It
by nekked
Summary: They're doing 'it'. Unfortunately, nobody else knows what 'it' is. — LuNa-ish; sexual humor
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** _Enjoy! I own nothing~_

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><p>Nobody could have imagined a shittier day for a lover's quarrel. It was cold as death outside, the crew'd spent most of the early morning out maneuvering a marine ship through a maze of glaciers, and the pipes had frozen; no bathing unless you wanted in on Franky's personal hit list. And what a rude awakening to those that had no idea love had a place on this ship. Whatever subtleties the two screaming at each other on the lawn had enjoyed were pretty much melting away under the stares of their shocked and disturbed crew mates.<p>

"What do you MEAN _none_?"

"Just what I said. I'm done, Luffy. I'm sick of how disgusting you are, and you don't have any consideration for everyone else who has to live with you."

Nami stalked up the stairs towards her room, Luffy following at her heels with wide, panicky eyes.

"You can't do this to me! Nami, this isn't funny! You can't be serious…"

"I'm DEAD serious," she seethed, whirling around and boring into his face with flaming eyes. "Until you clean up your act, no more. This conversation is over."

"_NONE_?" He was, as far as anyone could see, at a loss. He hadn't blinked in a while, and he kind of looked like he might pass out soon. Nami didn't seem to care.

"Too much isn't good anyway," she muttered, hands on hips. "We live on a ship with other people. Think about that."

"What's that got to do with anything," he deadpanned, prepared to argue to the death. She widened her eyes and gave him a disapproving glare.

"You're so selfish. You don't even think about anybody but yourself…"

"What about you? You don't like it? You can't have it if I can't. That's not even fair..."

"This is not about what I like and don't like. I'm cutting _you_ off. Because it's all you think about. And honestly, it's not healthy."

He sneered and rolled his eyes. "Shows what you know. Don't act like you don't like it…"

"I don't need it like you," she snapped. There was a pause where she seemed to consider what she was saying and her eyebrows relaxed. "I've actually thought about giving it up completely a couple times." She glared at his flabbergasted face. "Oh, like that'll make a_ big_ difference in _my_ life anyway. You're the one that's so bent out of shape if you go too long without it." With a snide wave of the hand, she added, "You get nothing. None. Maybe this way you'll learn to appreciate what you do get."

Luffy stood where he was, face completely blank. Those watching for a reaction noted the mixed emotions passing over his face like a slot machine. He finally bit his lip and decided on something tearful and blubbery.

"You're a jerk," he sobbed, rubbing at snot coming out of his nose with a jacket sleeve. "I already told you I'd stop-"

"But you aren't showing me you've changed," she said sternly, crossing her arms. "You still expect to get everything you want, and I have to clean up after you. Who the hell do you think does the laundry around here. I won't keep replacing your sheets-"

"WHAT THE HELL KIND OF CONVERSATION MMPH MMPHATJHREKBJF," Sanji screamed, finally done with quietly listening with everyone else and attempting to bound up the stairs. Robin dragged him back to their group without flinching, everyone else rushing to pretend they'd been doing something important on the deck.

"You're disrupting everyone with your theatrics," Nami said angrily. "And they have no idea what's going on. Please try to be a little more mindful of how your actions affect others and maybe I'll reconsider."

He stared at her, still crying like a baby. "You hate me. Otherwise you wouldn't be doing this to me…"

"I do not hate you," she sighed. "I just think…for both of our sakes, this is for the best."

"You think I'm good for nothing," he sniffed.

She patted his head. "Yes."

"So blunt," all the male voices not being suppressed muttered collectively, a couple of them peeking up over the railing so they could see. Nami rolled her eyes and walked away from her companion.

"If you behave for the rest of the day, we can talk later."

And that was the end of that.

...Not really.


	2. Chapter 2

Usopp was doing his best to be the best friend, but…oh, goodness…

"I don't even…I don't even _know her anymore_. I thought she understood, but all she does is be _mean to me_," Luffy sobbed openly, his heart apparently ripped clean out of his chest and dripping its contents onto Usopp's disposition. "I've_ really_ tried. I try and I try, and she just complains all the time…"

"So…how long has this…been going on?" Usopp finally managed, leaning against the railing below where Luffy sat on Sunny's head. "This is…kind of a big deal…"

"You're damn right it's a big deal," his captain sniffed. "But she just…she doesn't understand how much I…I…"

…Sounds of sobbing. Usopp would have to burn into his memory this moment so he might reproduce the poker face he was sporting.

"You've already tried talking to her, huh…"

"She just ignores me. She doesn't understand that _I need it_..."

_Oh boy..._

"Maybe if you just let her have her space she'll, uh, you know…wait, _hold on_. You guys didn't tell us you were doing this kind of stuff? When did you plan on informing us your relationship had gotten to that level?" The sniper frowned and let his mind be blown with this revelation. "Were you guys just…_experimenting_? Honestly, I'm a little disappointed you let this get so out of hand…"

Luffy turned and pouted at Usopp. "I just wanted to see what would happen…I didn't think she'd care so much…"

_I can't deal with this…_

"So, this is your fault, right?" he reasoned, folding his arms. "She's mad because you were just leading her on and she wanted you to commit?"

Luffy glared and folded his arms as well. "You don't understand. I already told her I was trying my best, but she started doing everything herself. It's none of her business. And then she just decided I can't have _any_. Like that's up to her. I'm the captain…"

"Oh my god," Usopp mused, shaking his head. "You sound like such a dick right now…"

Luffy blinked in surprise. "Huh?"

"I can't believe what I'm hearing. Especially from you," his friend muttered, heading for the stairs. "You sound like you've got some serious issues to work out. Call me when you're not a total stranger."

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><p>"After the first couple times I made him pay me for the trouble," Nami muttered, Robin mausoleum silent with Sanji's soul just about detached and floating beside her. She gripped his restraining rope a little less tightly now thanks to the light that had been shed on the relationship between her two comrades. Though, she was looking for something she might have misunderstood here…<p>

"Nami-san…doing such things for our shitty captain…" Sanji's voice was a crackling of emotion and dismay. "I didn't know it was like that…"

"I'd probably do the same for any of you if you were as dumb as him," the red-head muttered. "He just doesn't learn. You give him some instructions, expect him to follow through,_ like he says he will_, and of course he can't deliver…"

"Senchou probably isn't the type to just know how to do those sorts of things," Robin said quietly, only a hint of defensiveness in her voice. "If this argument is over that sort of thing, wouldn't it be better to show a little patience and work it out together?"

"Psh. You think I don't know that? I think I've been _plenty_ patient. It's time he learned to appreciate what he has and think about how somebody else feels for a change."

"I completely agree," Sanji wept. "You are a victim of circumstance. The fact that he would take advantage-"

Robin slapped a hand over his mouth, rigid with an unsureness she'd never felt towards Nami before. She didn't like it one bit.

"It sounds like you're judging him very harshly for something easily fixed."

Nami shrugged. "I'll do what I have to do to get results." Robin narrowed her eyes.

"He seems very upset over this."

"You know how he is. He'll try to crack me with tears." Nami turned to her and asked sarcastically, "Hasn't he used the same method on you?"

Robin's eyes widened, then quickly contracted to slits. "If you're implying Luffy is that kind of man, I hope you have a better reason than the one you're giving me."

"Oh _please_," the navigator huffed, rolling her eyes. "I'm sure he's asked Sanji more than _either_ of us."

Robin gasped. Sanji lost consciousness.


	3. Chapter 3

"I still remember the first time…the first time it happened…" Franky strummed his guitar and cried with Luffy, mourning for the romance he had lost. "I was so happy, Franky, I really thought that we might…"

"You will always remember the first time, Mugiwara," the cyborg said sagely, going into minor and signaling the beginning of a long monologue about the fickleness of women. "And then they realize it's just not good enough anymore…you're just not good enough for them ow~"

"You do understand," Luffy sniffed, smiling a little through the moisture in his eyes. "It's just not fair to me. She's being selfish, right?"

"Women can't understand how much we love it," came his ship wright's manly quaver. "They don't know, how much we neeeeed~ it~ ow~"

"She says she sometimes feels like giving it up completely," Luffy mused broken heartedly, watching the waves. "Did I…did I push her too far? Did I make her think those things? I really," his lip quivered pathetically, "I really am no good, huh…"

"Nee-chan is not particularly understanding of idiocy~ ow~ but I don't think you're no good." He stood, swaying his bikini'd hips with the rhythm he had going. "I think you juuuust~ want toooo~" Twang-a-twang. Eye brow waggle. "_Satisfy her~_"

"But how can I do that," his captain asked miserably, curling into the fetal position. "She just gets mad at me."

"Now, no reasonable woman gets upset if a man is trying his damnedest~ Maybe what you should do is, give it a reeeeest~ and then, out of nowhere surprise the hell out of heeeeer~"

Luffy sat up and cocked his head. "Eh? How do I do that?"

"Glad you aaaaasked~" Franky warbled. "Here's what you gotta doooo~"

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><p>"Chopper, I don't really understand why there's cause to question <em>my<em> sanitation, of _all_ things…"

"Nami, it's my job as a doctor to make sure you guys are doing things as safely as possible," Chopper protested. "Lack of protection results in accidents."

Nami sighed. "Look, I know it's probably a little bit surprising, but it's really not that big of a deal. Sure, it's dark, and sometimes I think it might be easier to just let him go crazy, but the last thing I want is you guys waking up and finding us in an awkward situation…"

Chopper cleared his throat and blushed. "I get it. I'm just trying to make sure you guys know what you've gotten yourselves into."

"I already told Robin I take a percentage, but I honestly think she might be a little jealous. Actually, it might be easier if it were her, since she stays up later anyway…"

She noticed Chopper staring at her with the blank expression of the extremely confused. She patted his head and grinned.

"You don't have to stress. When he's finished, I clean everything up, and I do it as quietly as I can. I didn't mean to worry you."

"But you guys are being safe about it?"

"Of course! You know I'm responsible enough to know when enough is enough. And I know where the cleaning supplies are. He sometimes gets carried away..."

Chopper did not look convinced. "Do you read the instructions on the wrapper? You know how to put one on?"

Nami blinked. "Well, yeah. You don't really need to wrap anything up until he's finished. Otherwise there's no point." She paused for a moment and laughed. "You know, you guys should see the room sometimes before I clean it when he's done. The walls, floor, table, counter-"

"YOU DO THIS IN THE KITCHEN?" Chopper screamed. Nami raised an eyebrow.

"Of course. Where else?" She paused again, frowning. "Except sometimes he wants to continue in his room, and THAT'S where I draw the line…"

Chopper passed out.


	4. Chapter 4

"It's the best, Zoro."

"Mm."

"…Just a little pink…juicy and warm…"

"…"

"And since it's had time to soak all day, it tastes better…"

"You sound like quite the connoisseur."

"What's that mean?"

"Knowing a lot of stuff about something."

"Mm. I do."

"So, why are you talking to me about this again?"

"She won't give me any."

"…Have you tried, you know, licking it? Making her wanna do it?"

"I usually do that before I eat it."

"…Oh. Well, then. Whaddyou need me for…"

"I had no idea you were so involved, Luffy-san," Brook said. "I would think any woman would be happy to have such an eager man."

"She gets mad if I try while it's bloody-"

"AAAND~ this is where you leave," Zoro said flatly, throwing Luffy down and out of the crows nest so he and Brook could finish meditating.

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><p>"I don't know how much more of this I can take," Usopp muttered, the crew sans the melodramatic couple gathered in the kitchen to discuss the days revelations. "Not only were we blindsided by this, we've been dragged into the oh-so predictable side effects of a break up."<p>

"They haven't broken up ow~ nee-chan just needs some time to see~ how much the 'she' needs the 'he'~"

"Seriously, shut up," Usopp said witheringly. "That barely even rhymed."

"…How much the 'snatch' needs another batch…of MANLY~"

Robin's arm appeared next to his face and slapped him. He sat in the corner and cried. But it wasn't really crying. Just kind of giving his eyeballs a bath. In emotion.

"I'm disappointed in Nami-san's methods of handling Senchou's sexual insecurities."

"He didn't sound insecure to me," Zoro murmured, Brook yohoho-ing.

"You're disappointed in Nami? Luffy's the one expecting her to just put out without thinking about how her feelings for him have evolved." Usopp shook his head. "He made her think he wanted more and she was led on. I mean, he's _immature_, but I didn't think it was _that kind_ of immature..."

"He DOES want more!" Franky cried, shaking his fist. "He's become a_ SUPER man_, ready to make her feel like a_ SUPER_ _woman_."

"And I suppose you tutored him in the ways of a being a 'super man'," Robin said, cringing. Franky tightened his jaw.

"You're damn right. I told him exactly what to do to knock her socks off."

"I think knocking panties off would be more effective," Brook said, raising a bony hand.

"If it involves parting the 'red sea'," Zoro said flatly, "you wasted your breath. He's got that chapter covered."

"You guys just wait and see. We'll stake out the girls' room. He's debuting his brand new bad self _tonight_."

"I have a feeling it might be better to stay in here," Chopper said from the door of his office, apparently just waking up from his black out. "Nami says they do it in the kitchen."

Zoro and Brook moved to stop leaning on the table, everyone else visibly uncomfortable with not knowing exactly what was...tainted.

"Make sure the cook doesn't find out," Zoro said quietly.

Sanji's voice whimpered from behind Chopper, "Too late."


	5. Chapter 5

"Alright, Luffy, what is it you have to say."

Nami strode behind the kitchen counter, unenthusiastic about this, but unable to not give him another chance. He himself probably didn't realize that, when it came to him, she would probably never be able to say no forever.

But putting that aside, she could do her damnedest to make him more responsible. This piece of their relationship had already been going on for a while…it would be hard to call it to a close. And how to explain it to everyone else? Especially after the scene they'd made. Things were never going to be the same.

"Nami, I know you're upset with me, and I know I haven't been the best at giving you what you want…"

"I don't ask for much," she muttered, noticing he even walked into the room differently. His talk with _someone_ must've actually done something. Maybe this wouldn't be so awful after all. Maybe it would be easy to give in to him. It was getting exhausting either way, so she could only hope he hadn't clung to the stupidest advice.

"I'm going to prove it to you," he declared, climbing on top of the dining room table. "That I am a man. A man who can satisfy your desires."

"That's all I've ever asked of you," she said with some caution, wondering why this required such dramatic set up. "…Although, I'm a little confused…what are you doing up there—"

In one swift motion his trousers dropped and he kicked them across the room. Her face fell.

Nobody said anything, him waiting for this to somehow change her mind, and her question of whether he actually wore any of the underwear she bought him finally getting a solid answer. She narrowed her eyes at it.

"Your parents must be proud."

"I'm not done," he said enthusiastically. She rolled her eyes at the anti-climactic removal of his shirt. He probably hadn't actually thought this through.

"Wow. Impressive."

"I'm not done."

"Oh boy. There's more."

He struck what was probably supposed to be a seductive pose, hands in the air and hips thrust forward. He whipped his sash out and she hid her smile behind her hand.

"Are you convinced?" he asked, glittering with confidence and hopping down from the table.

"Oh, yeah," she said through thinly guised giggles, coming to stand in front of him.

"I won't eat in my room anymore," he vowed, giving her a thumbs up.

"And I'm charging interest," she tacked on, patting his cheek. He frowned, but after considering his position…and the finger she was tracing down his chest, he forgot he had objections.

"…Nami?"

"I bet you asked Franky what to do…"

"Mm. How'd you know?"

"Lucky guess," she muttered, taking hold of his face and pushing him to the table. "Now, I'll collect that interest, Senchou…"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO~" Sanji screamed, kicking his way out of the cupboard under the sink and leaping over to tackle Luffy. Nami stepped aside and watched everyone else fall out of their awkward hiding places.

"YOU GUYS ARE NASTY," Usopp cried, having fallen from the underside of the table and crawling out. Nami glared out at all of them, ignoring Luffy's pummeling.

"What the hell is this, guys…"

"I can breathe again," Chopper heaved, falling out of the connective tunnel from the kitchen to the aquarium room.

"We have been found out," Brook said with dignified defeat, removing the simple light shade from his head and moving from beside the couch.

"How did she sense us," Franky muttered, opening the door from where he had been eavesdropping. Robin materialized out of nowhere and leaned on the wood paneling.

"I wondered whether we had misinterpreted something…"

"I get it now," Nami said with a knowing smirk. "I didn't explain myself better and now you think…me and this idiot…"

"SANJI, DON'T GRAB THAT," Luffy screamed, trying to escape. Usopp grunted and moved to separate them.

"We just made a deal under the table," Nami explained with a shrug. "He got hungry late at night, so I'd get up and cook for him if he paid me enough."

"So that's what you meant," Chopper said, face still sour despite his relief.

"You guys look ridiculous now," Nami said, crossing her arms. "And even if that had been our intentions, what reasons do you have for trying to _watch_."

"Research," Robin said with an unashamed shrug.

"I'm so done with all of you," their navigator said with a roll of her eyes. "As if I would ever…with that guy…"

She exited, leaving Sanji crying over the fake kiss she'd given someone else, Luffy crying over whether he would get his "midnight meat" as he called it so lovingly, and everyone else wondering what they were doing with their lives.

"Well, I feel silly," Usopp said.

"Same," Franky sighed, fishing a cola out of his chest compartment. "We were all probably a little bored."

"Has anyone seen Zoro-san?" Brook asked suddenly, everyone looking at each other.

"Did he hide?"

"Oh god, what if he hid and fell asleep…"

"Leave him. Maybe he crawled into the oven."

"You're horrible."

Everyone left the room, convinced Zoro hadn't even actually hid anyway. He entered the room from the upper deck, groggy after waking from his before-sleep nap. He frowned, went over to pick up the table cloth from Luffy's unconscious, nude body, then let it fall back over his captain's face before heading towards the door.

"I don't want to know..."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** _I can finish things too. And now that I know you people still read this you are now obligated to rub my belly and tell me how great I am. /Rolls away_

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><p>"Why, thank you," Robin purred, the News Coo nodding its head as it flew off. Robin fingered the thin envelope, addressed to a D. C. Fleur with the insignia of the renowned Covers &amp; Binding Publishing Company in the return address corner.<p>

"Another one?" Usopp said with a sigh, rubbing his head. "I mean, I know your book got pretty popular, but you get a check at least once a week…"

"They liked it enough to make special arrangements to deliver my earnings," she said, a pleased smile on her tanned face. "I always go in disguise when I collect it. Besides that, the man who owns the company is a special friend of some of my…associates."

"I'm sure Luffy's dad appreciates you using his connections to get your porn out to the general public," Zoro grunted from across the lawn, rubbing his head then leaping aside before the knife Sanji threw could lodge itself in his throat.

"It isn't porn, you dirt clod," the cook defended, swaying to Robin's side and grinning. "It's a perfectly legitimate piece of writing. I myself am not ashamed to admit I enjoyed every word of it, my swan."

"I'm honored, cook-san," she said, beaming and sending him into elated full body convulsions. Usopp rolled his eyes.

"I hear you're working on a sequel?"

"Is this about Robin-san's book?" Brook called eagerly from the crow's nest, Chopper waving down from the opened hatch. "I am a huge fan! Please disregard that I am just skin and bones! Yohohoho!"

"The rumors are true," Robin admitted, sashaying back to her lawn chair and flipping her sunglasses down to her nose. "I've gotten much inspiration since the time I was working on my first manuscript. And there's nothing wrong with having a steady stream of income."

"Nami still hasn't read your masterpiece," Usopp pointed out.

"She was the one who read all my drafts," Robin reminded him. "And she knows how it ends, anyway…"

"Well, excuse me if I let the details of the smash hit, trashy romance '_Midnight Meat_' remain a vague stain on my life's collected knowledge," Zoro muttered, biting into a pear and throwing the core at Sanji's head while he sauntered over with a drink. "No offense or anything, but I'd prefer to pretend I don't know where you came by the inspiration for that crap…"

"It is a caricature of the love between the beautiful author and myself," Sanji spat, twirling as Robin took her margarita without comment.

"Right. It in_ no way_, whether your delusional mind wants to acknowledge it or not, resembles the events leading up to the infamous romance between our captain and naviga—"

"THE BLASPHEMOUS SHIT THAT LEAVES YOUR MOUTH," Sanji screamed, tray whizzing past the sniper's head before they fell to wrestling.

"So much energy this afternoon," Robin said cheerfully.

Suddenly, she turned her shaded eyes with everyone else's towards the appearance of a stiff, flustered and blushing Franky from the top of the staircase.

"I went to go fix the shower head," the shipwright confessed, lips pursed and sunglasses glinting in the sun. There was a pause to let his solemn, veteran-of-war tone chime the bells of familiar association.

"Oh? Is something happening up in the bathroom?" Robin asked innocently, cheshire grin free to roam up to her ears.

Franky stared at her hands, busy scrawling over her notepad like she was already aware of what had happened. He wanted to resent her for her cunning, but even if she wasn't capitalizing on Nami's change of heart little more than a year ago, it would be just as awkward…

Kids these days.

"They're at it again."

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><p><em>The end. <em>


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